You Must Judge Others to Find More of Yourself
Yes, I'm giving you permission to judge.
I remember sitting in the therapy office with my husband. Over and over I would share a judgment I had about my husband. Over and over, I thought it was him that was the problem.
After a few months, I caught on to what she was doing. She was always guiding me back to see where I did the same thing that I judged in him, just in different ways, in the past, less obviously, etc. She pushed me to question if was even true about my husband.
She invited me see where my husband was a mirror for me - where I was projecting my own unconscious stuff onto him. These were parts of ME that I exiled, disliked, feared were unlovable, or otherwise had a complicated relationship with.
You can do this work internally or with a trusted friend. The more you own your awareness that what you judge in another is something unresolved and unintegrated within you, it will be easier to not dump it onto the one you're judging.
It's like magic and it's the fastest path to discovering about and learning to accept ALL of yourself.
That which you judge in another is within you - it's a pointer that invites you to see those parts that remain in your unconscious psyche (which means they exist at a deeper level and run your life even when you don't think they are).
When you try to be a "good person" and suppress your judgments, you're suppressing the voice of your inner child who wants to be known, seen, and loved in her wholeness. She wants YOU (adult you) to love her completely, not perpetuate the same harm that the adults in her life did when they only accepted the aspects of her that made them happy, proud, and comfortable.
Judgments are NECESSARY for your healing.
They show you exactly what parts of you need more attention, understanding, exploration, and acceptance.
They are trailheads that show you the holes and fragments of your wholeness that long to be explored, filled, and integrated.
Learning this was life-changing for me.
HERE'S AN EXERCISE YOU CAN DO WHEN YOU FIND YOURSELF JUDGING ANOTHER:
When you judge another person (or yourself). Get out a piece of paper and write on the top of the page "Parts of myself that I'm ready to explore, understand and accept." Then list all of your judgments. Be petty and really honest with yourself.
Or get instant access to a one page "Judgments With a Twist" worksheet for you to capture your judgments!
This will likely feel good to get it out of your head, it will also get your unconscious mind working and the process shifts you away from the idea that you're bad for judging and into the space of usefulness. Knowing you're using your judgments as a pathway to wholeness, true self-love, and radical self-acceptance.
This is the way to inner peace. Inner peace comes when we reject no part of the human existence or our experience. When we come into wholeness. And wholeness equals aliveness.
This is the work of the wholeness warrior.
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